Raiders of the Faculty Fridge

The latest outbreak of my impish nature occurred today around 9 am. But it was for a worthy cause! Food was involved. Part of a fresh bagel, to be exact. It was the promise of this morning treat, topped with strawberry cream cheese, that prompted me to break a social rule...

Like all schools, the one I work at has a faculty break/work room. I would say ours is, in general, above average...except in the case of the community refrigerator. Fellow Hillsdalians, I ask you to recall what we all learned in Economics 101: if something is everyone's, it's no one's. This rule is universal. It applies the same with the Lower School recess toys as it does with the faculty fridge. I was forewarned early on that staff (these are adults, remember) were known to partake of others' food stored in the fridge without asking permission, and that no one claimed responsibility for cleaning out the fridge. Everyone just claimed a communal right to nibble on your sandwich. Disgraceful. I shudder as one who holds her food sacred as her own (although if you ask, I'm happy to share). But! Today was the day I slunk over to the dark side, and nibbled without asking. Here's how it went down.

Upon entering the faculty work room, my eyes made their usual sprint to the counter surface where food gifts are known to miraculously appear. And what do my sleepy morning eyes see? A quarter of a fresh, whole wheat bagel. The last of it's kind. I don't have to be the AP Calculus teacher to calculate the speed at which another staff member could swoop in and claim the last treat for their own! There was no time for thought, only action.

I scanned the counter space around the bagel platter. What? No cream cheese? This can't be, perhaps they put it in the fridge...I make an ungainly dash in my heals for the once white-colored fridge. After opening the door, my eyes are back to their searching. If the bagels were brought in as a catered treat, then there would be clearly marked containers with cream cheese...but there aren't. There are only four normal looking tubs of various flavored Philadelphia Cream Cheese. What can this mean? Is one person hording an unhealthy stock of cream cheese in the faculty fridge? Do they belong to separate people? Or did someone buy the tubs separately to bring with the bagels? I can't very well close the fridge door, turn my back on the lone bagel piece, and ask the secretary...that's just ridiculous and I would feel about 9 years old, not to mention I would probably return to find the bagel gone.

Ok, Ariel, here's the plan to get you some of that cream cheese for your bagel, not get caught awkwardly raiding another person's cream cheese stash, and have a mostly clean conscious: spread your keys, mail, and dirty coffee mug along the counter between the bagel and fridge, that way if anyone enters during the raid you can abort the raid and nonchalantly stop by anyone of these items and pretend that it was what you were walking toward. Now, grab the bagel, napkin and a plastic knife. It must be plastic so you can dispose of it quickly should the need arise for a quick getaway. At the fridge; door is open; grab the tub that looks like it belongs in the horde so what you take won't be missed as much. Now, make sure to make your knife strokes in the same direction and even depth as the existing ones. Check. Check. Check. Knife is licked clean and placed next to the sink, along with the other unclaimed, communal dishes. If there was a little extra swagger to my walk as I passed the next staff member entering the room, well, we'll blame it on the Imp.